Subpar Mediocrity

As I’m listening to the song that is rightfully titled as such by a band named Emarosa, I find that agreeing to the title is much harder than other things that I’ve had to do in this lifetime.
I push aside quite a few number of things that I don’t want to remember into a far off corner in my head thinking they will never resurface, or things that I just don’t want to deal with because they require too much effort and in the end offer nothing in return. But it is as if being a social creature ( or being just human in general ) never allows for the surrogate of jubilant memories to overcome those of melancholy.
It is especially apparent when I have nothing to do but surf facebook and view pictures to see what people have been doing with their lives, and shortly after hit between the eyes with an adamantine wall. I don’t know how other people feel about these things, but I speak solely from a personal perspective. Whether the people are lovers or friends from the past, whether females or males ( no male lovers in this situation, I haven’t been in college long enough to experiment that far yet obviously ) I expect to be happy about how they are getting along with their lives and enjoying themselves, and yet I let myself down every single time with a feeling that physically manifests in my chest closely relating to dysphoria. I will refrain from names, because these people know who they are, nor do I want to bring any unwanted attention, but the conglomerate of these feelings just leaves me bewildered all the time, and see all outlook on life as bleakness.
What am I doing wrong? The more I try to move from the past, the more it seems to pull me back in with it’s vice-like grip.
I am far from the prime example of what a perfect human being should be, I try my best at times to be a better person, but after all I am still human, and more than likely bound for failure as opposed to success. Not all of us can be Mother Teresa, but we can all try. Needless to say people have not treated me the best in the past either, once again I just relate it to being human, and life being a process of unrelenting tutelage. But this is not a time where I seek forgiveness, or ask for it from anyone in particular. It’s simply to get the point across.
At times I wish I could talk to these people, but being the imperfect human I am and overly indulging in one of the inherent sins ( I think anyway? It escapes me ) known as ego, it is very hard for me to start conversations with said individuals without feeling an overwhelming sense of discomfiture.
I have to ask myself though, do things happen for a reason, and am I meant to feel like this even though it should be the opposite? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to take back any mistakes I’ve ever made to people, but also as brutally stated as the prior, I’m not here to walk down the same path engulfed in conflagration either.
I just cannot understand why with all my heart put into offering those that come and go in my life the best of luck, I still end up feeling like..for a lack of a better term..SHIT afterwards. Maybe I need closure, which I will never receive or maybe I’m not quite the martyr I wish to be just yet, I suppose only time will tell.

Live and learn..painfully.
Durate et vosmet rebus servate secundis.

Filed under: Uncategorized by Nate