Subpar Mediocrity

February 28th: I’ve had this post lying around since ages, and I could never get myself to finish it. It would have spanned quite a few pages, possibly into a novel length if I kept at it, because there were just so many things I want to say, and yet at the same time every time I would attempt to finish this post, my chest would remind me that perhaps I’m not as stone-like as I think I am, that I am, after all, still human. I thought I would release it anyway, I can’t have it sitting here forever. I also know each and every detail to the core in my head as such, so one day maybe when I can learn to accept reality, I might finish it.

Before I get started actually typing out all that I’ve actually written from my actual journal, I must give anyone about to read this a heads up that this is an incredibly long entry. So long that, if you decide to read it, you might as well email me for me to buy you a dinner. (Yes it’s that long)
I have also noticed that my blog design for some reason does not indent for paragraphs, or even separate them when I double space for that matter, so what I will do is separate each paragraph with a number accordingly, thus making it slightly easier on the eyes.

With that said, here’s a story of what’s been happening within my life for the past month or so.

1
Once in a while, writing backwards in a notebook offers the lesser population a sense of relief as we don’t have to worry about smudging the words when our hands drag across the page. By lesser population, I refer to the unlucky bunch that just happen to be left handed. The Chinese had this figured out with the way their books flip from the back to the front. But then again, it was made for right-handers which seems in a way to defeat the purpose. Side thought however.
2
As I sit here in my subway car on my way to my LSAT prep class, I am surrounded by strange faces, and to add insult to injury, I’m seated directly across from a couple who either 1: just got together and are enjoying the bliss of a newly formed relationship or 2: one of those situations where they have been together for some time and the love just grows from there. When I see things like this, sometimes I am overcome with an incredible amount of happiness on their behalf, and on a lesser extent, a sense of envy.
3
I’ve never been known to be a typical alpha male type character that goes on a heart-breaking rampage through the female population to prove my worth (or non-worth depending on the point of view) in order to seek acceptance as a man. In fact, just the opposite usually happens. I meet a nice girl, think she is a good catch, and when things seem to be going great towards the long haul, I am them either greeted with a “you’re too nice for me” or I simply don’t even hear from them again. In relating to the couple across from me. I cannot help but feel the urge to get up and question the guy what he does right, that I seemingly time after time again just never quite get down.
4
All girls claim that they would like to date “a nice guy” and yet when presented with a specimen of such, they do the complete polar opposite. Sure, not all girls may want this. As from personal experience, being a nice guy usually means I finish last, and it is just something that I’ve grown to accept. They also tend to be boring, or in worse cases, a nerd. The list of negativity usually grows exponentially from there, I am sure I don’t have to offer anymore explanations to badmouth myself.
5
Why do I bring up this point? Well I can easily claim to belong to the group in the aforementioned. Although I constantly manage to convince myself otherwise. For the past few weeks, I managed to receive some sort of divine intervention by seeing a girl, that from first glance, I can wholeheartedly say that she was good for me. There’s the saying that goes”if something is too good to be true” yaddy yadda, then it probably is. I had this thought while going into my predicament, but somewhere along the line, I am sure that I have forgotten it. I guess from here on in, this is the story of a girl who I will simply address by her initials as JH.
6
Her full name I suppose, won’t be needed. For matters of confidentiality or otherwise just not to point fingers at people. The first time she graced me with her presence, was when my cousin recommended me to work at her doctors’ clinic as something to pass the time. ( I am one of those people that simply cannot sit idle) I walked in expecting to just be trained and then from every Saturday on, just do the usual one hour train commute to slave away in front of a computer. My manager had called me to go in and ask for a J-. Which is exactly what I did. Of course she was not at the front desk, and so I waited. When she actually came out to greet me, let’s just say I was overcome with a sudden and completely illogical sense of puppy-dog infatuation. I definitely felt it surge through my toe to the top of my head.
7
She was not wearing anything stunning nor did she greet me in a manner that justified my emotional barrage. But she did bring with her to the front desk, an aura of pleasantness, be it self manufactured or natural, that is rather hard to manifest into written words. As terrible as it is for me to say this, she was much shorter than I had expected. But the intimidation factor that she brought along with her beauty, caused me to forget that I was one of those kids that learned to talk before walking. On a more sappy note, she left me basically speechless. (That generally tends to happen when I’m confronted by attractive women)
8
She wore a puzzled look on her face. One that expressed “I guess you’re the new guy” and one that said “DON’T TAKE THIS JOB.” She told me to walk into the doctor’s office to wait and as I was taking the walk (which was only a few feet from the front desk) I struggled to remember whether I spoke Somalian or English. I could not remember a time where I might have been more nervous. The funny thing is that I had no reason to be either. But the anticipation that she was to sit there in that room training me how to do a simple task such as scanning patient information, had my nerves would up tighter than an NYC metro with super skinny jeans on.
9
The training session was rather successful, the things she showed me were things that I would have inferred and perfected over time, but because I am the way I am, I of course let her run the whole deal by me before moving. Before I continue writing, let it be known that staple removers were invented to torture people like me. Really. The fact that I had never previously used one up until that day and the fact that I had her staring at me just created memories of staple removers that I would not hesitate to forget in a heartbeat. At one point during this intense staple removing process, I basically pushed too hard into the paper and had the two prongs from the staple dig into my index finger with an unbridled rage. I think that I managed to hide my embarrassing accident. (I think I did anyway) Go figure. Love hurts like a mother. The whole situation was simply awkward. I made an attempt to make a few jokes which she responded to indifferently with silence. I thought it was funny, but when I am that nervous, somethings I think a dead baby is funny. Before I left that day, (crushed and embarrassed half to death) I learned that she does not even normally work on Saturdays. At that time I believed it to be one of those situations that were come and go, and I would exchange nervous glances, and hellos if she came to pick up her paycheck and I just happened to be there. Needless to say, I would be more than pleasantly surprised.
10
The second time that I ever ran into her, would be that one of those managers was afraid I was not fully capable of handling my job and she had her come in to teach me for the second time. On that particular day, I was incredibly sick. It was pretty obvious. I looked like shit, I felt like shit, and when I saw her walk in with her usual sense of perfection, the only thing I said to myself was “shit”. I sat further away from her. I usually have enough consideration to not put someone else through the same misery that I am. There was nothing noteworthy to mention about that day until she saw me still struggling with the staple remover and SMILED. For all the times that I have been unnecessarily nice to people just to make someone’s day better, it seems as if karma finally answered me back. With a smile I might add. For all the shit piled on top of me that day, I think I forgot about it at that very moment. I felt as if I wasn’t as awkward as I usually was, but of course something like that for me is short lived, but I was relieved to see that it was possible to see a side to her that was not so serious and authoritative. The later parts of the day involved a conversation over lunch where I told her that my lack of a social life and studying to become an aspiring lawyer brings me much turmoil and dismay. We also discussed a few mutual friends that we had. Apparently within this absolutely rich conversation of my hate for academics and paying my soul to the devil to become an attorney, I hit some kind of switch in her system. If I may indulge in some pre-lawyer activities, let it be known on the record that she even looks sensational in nurse scrubs. I never understood why men have fetish for nurse outfits, I now have been enlightened. As the day came to a close, and everyone departed for their homes or wherever else, she even broke the normal cycle of where everyone ignores me and leaves. She comes by with that infamously alluring smile and says “Good bye Nathan.”I think I died a bit inside from the warm feeling basking my stone heart. I also thought when the last time someone called me Nathan instead of Nate was.
11
That night at home, I felt like I was good for a while. More female interaction in one day than I had in months. It would be great to work with her again but I wouldn’t count on it. She texts me later that night telling me how her job sucks out of the blue, and we somehow end up talking about the movie Avatar. (No blue pun intended) WE agree to see the movie, but because of my horrible LSAT class schedule, it took me two weeks to even find the time to go.
12
For this movie, which I was very wary to call a “date” because sometimes I think they are, and they turn out not to be, then my whole day becomes shaded in gray. Taking everything on the surface is my approach to life with no expectations. Unfortunately for me, that becomes to change as my life goes on for the month or so, and I cannot forgive myself for that false sense of hope, however that will be for later. I shall remember her self proclaimed first move on a text message forever. “Picking the location, time and picking you up, if this isn’t a good example of where the girl makes the first move, I don’t know what is.” I think when I read that, I inadvertently cracked one of the bones in my rib cage when my heart nearly tore through my chest. When a man has no love in his life, the first minor sign of it reverts them back to their sixth birthday. I was no exception.
13
The actual date in my opinion, was an absolute disaster. Avatar was sold out for the rest of that evening. I wasn’t even given a choice as to pick another time. I ultimately ended upon Sherlock Holmes as a suitable alternate. But what kept me going was the sight of her there, wearing these mittens that just made me want to “AWWW” so hard that I would have lost my union membership with the male population. Seeing her ponytail wave in the cold winter wind was as exciting and as eccentrically beautiful as any motion picture, if not more so.
14
These mystery movies don’t fly well with me. I am always looking for intellectually challenging ideas to keep my mind working, thus when presented with such, all I can do is ask questions until my mind is at rest. Herein laid mistake number one. She commented on how I talk alot during a movie, and I was overwhelmed with a sense of shame. There are so many things that I could have said to her, yet I felt that Robert Downey Jr. got the best of me that night. Screw you Iron Man.
15
Next on the list was dinner. I am from queens, I didn’t even know St. Mark’s existed until fairly recently, so as we walked around pondering on where to eat, there goes mistake number two, not being an assertive guy and deciding. In the end, sushi was decided on through a cooperative effort, which was fine with me. I haven’t stuck a raw piece of fish in my mouth in a while since the time I had “thought” I thoroughly cooked a piece of salmon on my George Foreman grill. (The machine reduces fat by the way, for anyone interested) During the dinner, I somehow ended up discussing my not-so-wonderful home life with her and then having awkward moments where I stared into my plate or started scratching my head. Mistakes number three and four. (Not to mention scratching my head over my food just seems unsanitary) All good/awkward things come to an end thank god. I left her that night to walk home alone and without a hug. Mistakes five and fucking six. The train ride home was easily the most distraught subway rides I’ve ever had. My IPod ran out of battery because I somehow left it playing throughout the whole date, so I couldn’t even find solace through the sensory overload of Markus Schulz. I spent that whole train ride mentally abusing myself, telling myself why I notice what I do wrong after and not just then. I had exhausted my whole arsenal of four lettered profanity and I think I even invented some to yell at myself because the train ride wasn’t over yet. (How does YEUK sound? Aside from being a Chinese last name, do you think it can be made popular through urban dictionary?) Needless to say, I could not sleep that night and wondered how I could even face her at work anymore. My friend Unisom helped me with my precious slumber that even though. God bless the creator of Unisom.
16
All hope seemed to be lost after that night, but I guess good karma strikes again when she agreed to accompany me to my friend’s New Year’s Eve party that following Saturday. I almost couldn’t believe it. When I heard the news, I was so eager that day for nightfall to come that I almost forgot I had to run errands for my dear grandmother. That day needed to be perfect. I had to use the right hair gel, had to wear a neatly ironed shirt, decent cologne, and a crisp white tee under my shirt. I did manage to accomplish all that, alas to no avail that I cannot change the face that only a mother could love. But not tonight I told myself as I shaved while looking into the mirror. “Tonight I’ll damn well make it work.” And with that, I set off to pick her up looking and feeling like a million dollars.
17
If i thought that I looked like a million dollars, I think she broke a new monetary world record with her outfit. There were so many number digits that I don’t even think it has a measurement in the real world. Make no mistake, this was like pristine, fresh off the mint, crisp one hundred dollar bills stuff going on here. I guess it was a good thing that she was slightly lost looking for my car because it gave me a few extra seconds to gawk at her. The red coat she had as she walked towards my car nearly gave me a nosebleed, combined with the steady clicking of some sensual heels that she had one just nearly KO’ed me on the spot. First round knockouts suck big time. I had to maintain my composure though, seeing as driving from Manhattan to Queens in the rain isn’t exactly fun if you don’t have your full attention span.
18
The ride back to my friend’s party was not awkward at all., I won’t know for sure but I would say I did a decent job at conversation, whilst still holding back my nosebleed from her stockings and shoes. My main concern was with how she would deal with the people at this party, not knowing anyone and such. That will all come to pass however, since her personality assimilates well with almost anyone. I soon stopped worrying myself sick trying to give her a sense of belonging, as it was apparent that she got along better than I did. How ironic. One acquaintance of mine named Jesse, made a comment asking her if I was the boyfriend, and that the “boyfriend was cramping her style”. (FYI, I SUCK at drinking games.) I felt really awkward. It was like someone opening the door and finding RuPaul performing fellatio on me awkward. I made an attempt to justify her rationale, but before I spoke, J- simply answered “He’s not my boyfriend….yet.” A sigh of relief blew over me, then the double take kicked in. Come again? What is this “yet” business? This whole time I didn’t have a simple clue she saw me in that light. I thought it was just another situation where I would forever sit stagnant in the “friend-barrier”. Talk about euphoria. I nearly lost control of my bladder. (Blame the beer also) I think I was just ecstatic the rest of that evening. She even gave me a peck on the cheek randomly here and there throughout the night. And for what it’s worth, cake tastes amazing when she’s the one feeding it to me. (Gag) The inner child in me was screaming for job, while the outer adult shell went around looking for another beer to celebrate this momentous occasion. We sat there eventually watching the ball drop in Times Square on the television. I was so intoxicated at this point, I kept thinking the clock on TV was supposed to count down, not up until 12AM. Whatever, that was the least of my damn worries. When the ball hit 12, I decided it was now or never and I moved in for the New Year’s kiss.
19
She looked away and laughed. Ouch. Spectacular, the awkward turtle just sneaked in on me and sat down on my fucking head. Or so I had thought until a few seconds later, she returned the favor. Mission accomplished. 2010, a new beginning, and someone to spend it with. The rest of the evening went pretty well. There was a humorous moment (perverted as well) when she sat down on my lap and asked if that was my cellphone that she was sitting on. I just answered “yes”for the sake of simplicity and good manners. (Of course it wasn’t my cellphone, it was my wallet) We stayed over that night. She snored (it’s damn cute) while I laid there staring blankly at the ceiling and tried to gather my thoughts from that evening. I couldn’t sleep because I was so excited at whether this would be the start of something good for me after not having found a bit of happiness in so long. But unlike the many nights I’ve spent awake studying, this was a night I stayed up without an complaint. (Besides maybe a severe case of blue balls) I made no more advances on her that evening. I respected her too much for that. I was never my goal and she had already given me much more than I could ever ask from her anyway. When the morning came, I spent my not-so-drunk house just staring at her when she didn’t notice. (or maybe she did, I hope not, that’s creepy) She is truly beautiful beyond words. Not much else happened that day. We all had Joe’s Shanghai and I brought her home. Here I put the nail in my own coffin. I kissed her good bye. On the lips. Mistake seven. I knew it was too soon, and too non-alcohol driven to do something like that, but I supposed my greed got the better of me. A man reverted to his sixth birthday is entirely too eager for seconds.
20
As I drove home alone that afternoon, I wondered to myself what would come of this. There was no doubt that every cell in my system wanted to see her again, but what would her situation be. Would she feel the same way? The girl that warned me about commitment issues, and my answer was to rush my emotions into her existence. I strive not to ever impose what I feel into other people, so that their decisions made may be as unbiased as possible. I think I broke ever rule that I have ever set for myself over the years in a matter of minutes from one car ride. I am not perfect, never have been and never claimed to be so. However, this is like hitting the other end of the spectrum driving 90mph into a brick wall.
21
Within the following week, much to my surprised again, I was invited by her to have dinner. Now either fate is taking pity with me at this point, of I am just overthinking as usual, and she really didn’t find the past couple of events that bad. The dinner was a casual meal at a Malaysian restaurant. I was more impressed with how she spent over eight hours hunched over a desk, and still looked as if she had just stepped out of the shower. One day she may clue me in on her secret. But given that I’m the furthest thing from a vain individual (this damn beard is a great example). I don’t know whether I would take the time to indulge in it. (Can you imagine me trying to blow dry my crewcut? The thought of that alone is frightening) The food was good, but I am usually so nervous before I meet her that I can barely stomach much more than a drink. I had the simple pleasure of walking her home. Such things these days are overlooked almost as much as handwriting a letter and sending it through snail mail. But something was different tonight. There seemed to have been an invisible field of tension that came out of left field all of a sudden. I was only allowed a kiss on the cheek and nothing more. Did I just make another mistake that I couldn’t even pick up on this time?
22
The days drag by as I sit at work between the two different jobs I had at the time, and resisted the urge to text message her to say something witty or comical, so I just end up doing what I usually do to everyone by now, and say “Good morning”. I invited her to go to another party to commemorate the twenty first birthday of my friends Mick and Mish. Now I’m not exactly the party type, but I suppose so many celebrations in one week gave me an excuse to ask her to come out to do things. She accepted, which was awesome. Now I had to go through the painstaking process of not looking homeless again.
23
Come that Saturday, I could no longer stay in my home as it was over depressing and mentally taxing of me to listen to my parents fight all day about nonsensical issues. I left early. Much earlier than I should have simply to get out and get some fresh air. My boredome that day alone in the city would be cured with the arrival of my friend Cleopatra. As we both indulged in our inner geeks in a comic book store. I listened on to grown men adamantly describing power levels, and describing the female characters to which they worship. I began to imagine what J- would look like in a super heroine costume. When I noticed what I was doing however, I immediately decided to go to another aisle. There is a point of no return when one travels down that dark, dark road.
24
At the party though, I was somewhat disappointed to see that she hadn’t arrived yet. I already felt a bit guilty that I was looking more forward to seeing her that the festivities that usually came with being twenty one. I as was about to retire to the table to drink my depression away with a beer or two, there she was. And this time with friends too, so I wouldn’t have to worry about her getting along with people. Belle and Rebecca were their name, and I will soon find that in the near future, I will become much more formally acquainted with Belle. I couldn’t help but think I was a bit more overdressed than her for this occasion. But as always is the case, with her she would look great even if she rocked a shower curtain to the party.
25
Her height really is an issue sometimes. This place, better known as Forum had quite a bit of people, and the fact that I spent most of the earlier part of the evening trying to see people that were already taller than me didn’t help at all. I thought looking for Belle might yield a higher chance of success since we’re both around the same height, but even that was just a futile attempt. It was like dropping Waldo in the middle of Beijing. I can say at the end of the day, it’s adorable, just not very effective. By the time I found her, she already had a beer in her hand, and I had yet to even find something to drink yet. I guess some people just know how to have a good time. I still felt the same field of tension that I had felt before that day, between us two, however, I could never find the answer to why it was there. Maybe it was the fact that she brought a friend from the Marines with her, and if I made the wrong move, I’d have about a size 10 Marine boot forcefully packing some serious fudge. I tried my best that evening to sit a little closer, say something nicer, try to stand out a bit from her male friends that were Hooah-intensive. I thought I was failing, until she decided to turn around and kiss me. Oh those lips again, the ones that get me into joy and trouble at the same time. Apparently her friends didn’t mind at all, thus I let my guard down a bit and just took the night as it came. Between going out once in a while for smoke, and coming back to see her smiling at me, I think the night went great. I held her hand, the first time ever that I ever actually made the move with all intention of wanting to. You know how in all those girly pictures, where you see a guys bigger hand criss crossing with the girl’s smaller hand followed by some extremely annoying and redundant love quote on top of a black and white picture? Yes, I did just that. Call me a sap, but I just wanted to hold her hand. Any drink that I had earlier, and everyone else around me just seemed to slowly phase out at that moment. I was just staring at her through a tunnel, where she was the only clear image, and all peripheral vision blurred off. It was like my mind was a camera. The focus was her. There was something very enjoyable about that. Granted I was in a lounge with immense amount of noise (and as noted before, generally overly tall people, damn my Asian genes), I still wish that time had just stopped right there. If such a thing was possible, I would never be subjected to the deterioration of the relationship between us that came after this day. Everything would have just ended the way I wanted to. We parted that evening with one more kiss, as she took a cab home with her friends. I went on my own respective departure path with the birthday girl Mish, as I cared for her that evening in her vomiting endeavors. Good times.
26
The next day comes, and she gives me a wakeup call that I had asked for during the party at the lounge. It’s amazing that one can remember that after a few drinks, and yet I have a hard time even remembering my own birthday when I don’t even drink. (The reason partially for that is, it’s not a very special day anyway. Once you’re past 21, nothing is worthwhile anymore) I’m assuming she remembered what happened that night as well. I didn’t ask however. I duly note my own cycles of ups and downs and figured to myself that today would be a down day. Let me elaborate on this a bit with a comparison to a laundry machine. You see, as the clothes roll around inside the machine, they still stick to the side while getting carried up. When the clothes reach the upper peak, they lose their traction and just fall back down to repeat the cycle. From my dates and the New Year’s Eve party, I’ve noticed that when something good happens with this girl, immediately the day after, I either make another mistake, or something else along the lines of such. The party at the lounge was great, so now the clothes are being carried up the spin. Today will probably be the day that the clothes fall down, hence I can most likely predict to have a bad evening with her.

Filed under: life by Nate